Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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