It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??