dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
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His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.