omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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