I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
