Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
