Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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