I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
