The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
