I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
