Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
