I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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