he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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