Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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