Will you blow on my dice?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
