Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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