I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
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hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize