So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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