i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
