Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
