Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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