Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
