If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
