is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Boobs are out for the taking
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
