He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
