We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
