nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
