My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Soap is not a condiment
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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