Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Did you pee in the oven last night??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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