Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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