I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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