Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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