You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
