thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
