I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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