The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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