census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
