In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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