found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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