sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
