I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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