Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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