Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
