So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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