i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize