Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
