My hand turned me down
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I believe in your delicious
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
