On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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