The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
