my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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