if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You took a bar mat shot.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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