i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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