i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
