ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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