I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
