sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
