I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
