Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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